vckystxx

The Coffee Shop Stalker.

Yep. That’s me. I’m sitting here on a ledge with a scone and a latte and an arsenal of vocabulary, ready to immortalize your shopping idiocy. Go.

Four teenage girls halt abruptly in front of me, as if they have that uncanny Fish ability to telepathically change directions. The obvious ringleader is a girl about 12 feet tall, with an impossibly short plaid skirt that I want.

“Lets go sit on that ledge,” she says.

Like fuck you are. I’m sitting on the inside ledge, and if you come over here and sit on the OUTSIDE ledge, your hair will fall onto my scone and I will be very Unleash Wrath. Oh man. She thinks there’s a window here separating her fabulousness from my sleuthing reporter skills, but there isn’t. She flicks her hair and my scone gets Hair’d.

“Excuse me.”

She turns around and shrieks, completely beside herself with mirth.

“OH, MY GOD, I LIKE, TOTALLY THOUGHT THERE WAS A WINDOW HERE!”.

Her minions ROFL on the mall floor.

“Your hair fell on my scone.”

She looks at the scone and looks at my heartbroken face, and scoffs.

“I wash my hair, you know.”

And now it’s my turn to ROFL on the mall floor.

They leave, and the ledge is replaced by a toddler with a giant Muk Muk. I smile at the overpriced stuffed animal.

“Hi, Mukmuk!” I say, tickling the stuffy under the chin. They really ought to have made Muk Muk an OFFICIAL Olympic mascot. The toddler looks at me appalled.

“HIS NAME IS LILA!”

Ah, Vcky’s infamous disconnect with children is being put to the test. I’m not THAT bad with children, you know.

“That’s AWESOME!” I say to toddler with beautiful light-up-room smile, “If I had MY way, all names would be gender neutral!” Ah. I believe I have been successful in connecting with a child.

The parents remove Toddler & Lila from my vicinity.

It’s been half an hour since I started typing, and I’m flying high off this caffeinated cup of Heaven with a half-uneaten scone sitting to my left, lightly dusted with Washed Blond Hair. I’ll share if you’re willing.